Aunties at Shadis

If you’ve had the pleasure of attending a desi wedding, and you happen to be a girl, then you know what it feels like to be ogled. In Canada, though, ogling is taken to the next level. That’s mainly because weddings happen to be one of the few places where you will witness a large number of desis (the population of a small village) and an even larger number of desi girls (my desi girrlllll, my desi girlll) together.

It’s like an open buffet of girls –  the salads (whitewashed, don’t speak Bollywood, don’t know any dholki songs), the biryanis (desi at heart, know all dholki songs, too shy to sing) and the chicken karahis (Bollywood queens, know all dholki songs, ain’t afraid to sing ‘em). That’s why aunties be goin’ CRAY CRAY at shadis!

Infallible Aunty logic.

If you’re under the impression that people are there to see the bride, YOU ARE WRONG, my friend. People are there to see you. And all the other single ladies there. If you’re a single lady, or just a lady who doesn’t look like someone’s mother, be prepared to be stared at, scrutinized and interrogated.

You might even pick up whispered comments from nearby aunties on an innocent passerby’s weight (Haey! Meray Shahzad ko aisi hee naazuk si larki chahyay!), skin color (Nahi, yeh tau meray Abdullah say bhi kaali hai!), and personality (Kitni ‘frandly’ hai!). Nobody is beyond the aunty radar. Even if you think you’re too young, too plain, too non-desi, YOU ARE NOT SAFE. It’s hunting season, and we are all game.

According to the infallible aunty logic, if the girl’s a good dancer, she’s obviously a mean cook; if she’s got dholki skills, it undoubtedly means she’s going to clean like a machine; and if she’s gori chitti and under size 2, then your son will definitely fall head over heels in love with her because who cares about intelligence and personality anyway.

The worst part is that everyone has accepted this system — moms wear the number of proposals as a badge of honor, girls celebrate their ‘shadi material’ status, and aunties continue to set up unsuspecting girls just attending their friend’s shadi with their overprotected, underpaid, and underwhelming sons, brothers, friend’s sons and brothers, or other random family members.

Okay, gotta wrap up this rant. Have a wedding to go to!