How to Handle an Aunty Doe

It’s shadi season. And here you are, again, searching for clues to the trussed up aunty’s identity, who’s hugging, kissing, and fondling you like your mother never did. Her face resembles the aunty’s next to her. In fact, they all look the same. Heavily kohl-ed eyes, poo-colored lipstick, dead straight hair with blond highlights. She’s asking you about your parhai or husband or children or lack of husband and children, and you’re smiling and saying that everything is going okay, alhamdulillah, mashaallah, jazakallah. Now it’s your turn to pick up the line of questioning. But you can’t, because you don’t know who the hell this aunty is, how you know her (and vice versa) and why she feels the need to wear foundation two shades lighter than her skin tone. You’re still smiling, grasping for something coherent to say. She’s still smiling, waiting for you to ask her about her life.

*awkward pause*

Then you have a breakthrough: you remember that genius flowchart you saw on The Aunty Blog on how to handle an Aunty Doe and you sigh a deep sigh of relief.

Never have another awkward moment with an Aunty Doe.